Monday, August 24th, 2009...8:16 pm
All The World’s A Stage
My coworker is the first person in the history of the world to have a baby. I mean ever. She just found out she is pregnant and already this girl is so full of drama, the Royal Shakespeare Company would be jealous.
Now, before you accuse me of being a “hater”, know this: this girl is too dumb to breed. I’m not even sure how she figured out the whole penis-in-vagina thing. She has one child, for whom she doesn’t properly care, and the father of this child is a heroin addict. Nothing can come of nothing. As much as she’s caught up in a real life Trainspotting, that’s not really my business (and I have, in fact, asked her to keep it to herself. more than once.) Personal issues aside, the embarazada loca has begun.
She is prone to being lazy and gossipy, anyway, but add to that her new refusal to lift even a bottle of wine or gallon of milk, plus the constant groaning and waddling and breaks (nine, just today. nine. nine breaks) and she’ll be lucky to give birth before one of our coworkers murders her. Prodigious birth, indeed.
Today, she came over to stand in my department and watch me work. While that’s not new by any stretch of the imagination, she now does it to have a captive audience to listen to her preggo woes. Frailty, thy name is woman.
her: “GAWD, I am soooo fat. Look how big my belly is!”
me, not effectively pretending to care: “Wait, aren’t you, like, only six weeks pregnant?”
her: “Yeah, why?”
me: “And, like, isn’t your baby about the size of a pea and not even close to touching the sides of your uterus yet?”
her, confused: “No, I don’t think so.”
me, nonchalantly: “No, yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s right.”
her, agitated: “NO! THEN WHY ARE MY PANTS SO TIGHT ALREADY, HUH?!?”
young male coworker, walking by: “Because you’re a fat ass?”
her: “You can’t talk to me that way! I’m PREGNANT!”
coworker: “Yeah, and if you don’t shut the fuck up about it, it’s gonna be a LONG nine months.”
Yes, this is definitely going to be the winter of our discontent.
24 Comments
Twitter: homesliceva
August 24th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
your coworker is my hero. at least for today.
August 25th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Be thankful she’s doing it now, rather than in the summer…
August 25th, 2009 at 6:24 am
Wait til the kid’s born… we get daily “gifted child reports” at my job. I’m working with the mother of a 4 year old, mullet-sporting, genius
August 25th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Thank you for my morning laugh. I had a coworker who seemingly had the gestational period of an elephant. I have never been more ecstatic to learn of someone going into labor before in my entire life. Enjoy the next nine months!
August 25th, 2009 at 8:02 am
It makes concept of those “I didn’t know I was pregnant ’til the baby came out” TV shows that much more appealing.
Also, both parents should have to pass a parenting test before being allowed to procreate. Got 6 kids already? Denied. Receiving any sort of government assistance for more than 2 years? Denied. Think that Coke and a Big Mac is proper nourishment for your 2-year old? Denied.
I’d volunteer to write and administer that test.
August 25th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Hey People are Crazy:
If you do that, where will we get willing lumpenprole and a consumer base? You’re shooting yourself in the foot.
August 25th, 2009 at 8:52 am
I had to look up “embarazada.”
August 25th, 2009 at 9:10 am
People really need to cool out on all this reproducing. It’s getting out of control. Wait till she has it, then it’s going to be the baby this and that, you got to see the baby etc.
Twitter: Nicholkola
August 25th, 2009 at 9:22 am
You have your own personal Kourtney Kardashian?! I’m so jelly!
August 25th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Don’t be such a spoilsport.
Her preggowoes are all she has left!
August 25th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
just another sad child born into another sad situation. hopefully he/she will grow up to learn how pathetic his/her parents are and will break the cycle.
August 25th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Why are the stupid ones always breeding?! Why, oh why, can’t we have mandatory sterilization for dumbasses!
August 25th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
You have 7 1/2 months left to convince her to name her newborn Hugh Jass.
August 26th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Drama = Hormones. You can have drama, too.
August 26th, 2009 at 9:15 am
This is why that really stupid movie Idiocracy probably gives us a really good glimpse into the future. If we continue to let the idiots reproduce, by the year 2500, everyone will be so stupid and useless, they’ll sit around shows like “Ouch! My Balls!”
August 27th, 2009 at 4:52 am
I’m so sick of women who think pregnancy is a disability and the employers who cater to that ridiculous way of thinking. Sure, some pregnant women need accommodations, but most of us just do the job and STFU about it. Getting pregnant doesn’t make you some kind of wonder woman, it just makes you pregnant.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:27 am
IDIOCRACY wasn’t stupid; it was satire. But young ironicysts wouldn’t know satire even if it came up and gave them an STD.
August 31st, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Heroin addict? Who has a child with a heroin addict?
This is beyond what my tiny brain can handle. Or have I gone too suburbs?
August 31st, 2009 at 4:10 pm
http://www.onewayrichmond.blogspot.com
September 10th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Well this is going to be a longggggggggggg 9 months! Okay well 7 1/2. I can’t believe she thinks she is already fat. She will drive you crazy with this, and I can’t wait to hear more LOL
September 15th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
[...] the adventures of Embarazada Loca (or, as one reader dubbed her, “Pregzilla”) have [...]
September 27th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
[...] crazy pregnant lady with the now plum-sized tumor-of-life just keeps getting classier. Standing near where she was [...]
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:59 pm
[...] far, I have cried twice, called a coworker (to be fair, it was the Pregnant Nightmare) a lazy idiot (sorry, fetus!), and, in a pre-coffee, undead moment of my own, inadvertently deleted [...]
March 8th, 2010 at 10:16 pm
[...] few days ago, Pregzilla handed me an [...]
Leave a Reply