Wednesday, June 24th, 2009...1:20 pm
Back To The Future
Today, I made my triumphant return to the role of Professional Checkout Girl. Let me tell you, four weeks away from the store did me a tremendous amount of good. While I was laid up I rested, got a crazy amount of writing done, launched a new website, created buzz for potential awesomeness, and consumed more coffee than one person should. Oh, and gained some perspective.
A few weeks ago, I was mailed a packet of papers to be given to my doctor. Having my medical leave, and subsequent return to work, approved by Corporate depended on them being filled out and returned. In the sizable pile of papers was a form that said something like “Based on the attached job description, when do you anticipate the employee being fit to return to work?” Job description, you say? Kevin Bacon’s Balls! THIS is what my job is officially supposed to be? Guess what? I was doing things that were WAY beyond the description. That’s right, I said “was”. As in “That job WAS killing me, physically, but I made a copy of that ‘official’ paper and hung it right on my bulletin board for god and the whole world to see.” My boss’ worst nightmare? Me. Now.
While I was gone, I missed some good dramz. An Assistant Department Manager, who had been caught stealing just a few days before I left, was hit with sexual harassment allegations. Not surprising, considering he has been accidentally groping me in the hallways for every bit of the two years that I have worked there. Anyway, someone turned him in, not for touching the tots, but for being a complete dick to her after she finally stood up to him and said, “No means no!” She told the Store Manager, “I refuse to have him as my supervisor,” thinking he would be fired. Au contraire, mon frère. In fact, he was PROMOTED out of that department to manage another. And given a big raise. A friend of mine had been offered that position but then had the offer rescinded because of an “emergency situation.” Really? Please tell me whose ass I can grab to make all of my dreams come true!
Most everyone was nice and seemed genuinely glad to see me, though not one of them called to check on me while I was gone. It’s okay, I don’t really want THAT kind of relationship with my coworkers. One of them was even nice enough to say, “I’ve missed your voice on the intercom”; at which time I told him I’d need a credit card number if he wanted to pursue that conversation. Anyway, like I said, *most* were happy to see me. Some, for different reasons than others…
Coworker, who is the meat manager, and has been written up twice for theft (which is a terminable offense, obvs): “Good to see you!” *hug* “How are you feeling?”
Me: “Eighty percent, dude. Eighty percent.”
Coworker: “Well, if you have any leftover opiate-based painkillers, I’ll give you some meat for them.”
Me, thinking I’d misheard but afraid I hadn’t: “Meat?”
Coworker: “Yeah, steaks for pills.”
I politely declined thinking I could get cold, hard cash for them opiates. However, I just surveyed my fridge for some lunchtime sustenance and kind of wish I had steaks. Guess I’ll have to eat the pills, instead, and hope for the best.
15 Comments
June 24th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
How can I find employment at such an establishment where they reward, nay – promote, sexual harassment and look the other way on stealing? Because I could totally win at that job. And I like steak.
Get me an application.
Twitter: homesliceva
June 24th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
oh welcome back! i’m sure you really missed having your butt groped. nothing says “welcome back” like some sexual harassment and raw meat.
June 24th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
“Please tell me whose ass I can grab to make all of my dreams come true!” Simply awesome.
June 24th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
MattOnFire –
oh, cod, it really IS your dream job, isn’t it?
I think you pretty much have to work at my crummy store or be the POTUS to get that deal.
June 24th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
wonder if I am going to have stories like you at my new store I am opening next week?!
I sort of hope so cuz my blog will get much more interesting but hope not for obvious stressful reasons!
I say grab some ass and boob and see if you don’t become VP!!!
June 25th, 2009 at 5:45 am
you just can’t make this stuff up!
June 25th, 2009 at 10:26 am
If there was a thumbs-up icon to express how much I like this post, I would use it.
June 25th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Where’s the fun if you can’t make up stuff?
June 26th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Barista –
Just the phrase “thumbs-up icon” is enough to make me happy. Side-boob happy.
June 26th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
zil –
If I did, I would edit it to death. “Naw, that doesn’t even sound feasible, TCG!” It’s all true.
paul_h -
My life is “fun” enough, without fiction. Plus I suck at it. Oh, wait, I DID get one line in the Style fiction issue, so there’s that!
June 27th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Meat for opiates. Brillz!
June 29th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Launched new website? Did I miss something?
June 29th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
[...] that I tune out, possibly missing some tasty bloggables. Today, I sat on a shelf next to Mr. MeatsForOpiates and leaned back just enough so the boss couldn’t see that I had my eyes closed. I came around [...]
July 21st, 2009 at 9:41 am
[...] (and, frankly, country-wide) problem, I suspect. Perhaps, instead, corporate had gotten wind of the shenanigans that were a daily occurrence at our store? That was probably TOO much to hope for. Regardless, of [...]
July 26th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
[...] meet you. I’ve been wondering all week if you’d be pretty or ugly.” Uh, wha? Meat For Opiates approached me while she was STILL IN THE STORE and said, “Well, she seems like a cunt”. [...]
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