Wednesday, October 28th, 2009...11:02 pm
Bad Girls, Bad Girls, Whatcha Gonna Do?
I was recently felt-up by the long arm of Johnny Law.
Pulled over for speeding in a spot that’s notorious for being a trap (my bad), I tried both pulling down my shirt and working up some tears, but was still issued a ticket. With my spotless record on the line, I opted to go to court, show the proper amount of remorse, and ask for leniency, rather than just pay the ticket.
I had no idea what to expect from traffic court. I envisioned a long day of watching people file in front of a judge who handed down fiscal punishments to them for their lapses in reason. In my mind, the florescent lighting cast a jaundiced glow on each person as they begged for forgiveness. The courtroom in my head was a patchwork of L.A. Law, Night Court, Ally McBeal, and Law and Order episodes which, while entertaining, were certainly not reality shows. I packed a bag with the two memoirs I am currently reading, a notebook and pen, a bottle of water and some lip balm. I’m not sure why, but I was convinced that the courtroom would be drier than my grandma’s white meat. Oh, no, her turkey is delicious, I meant HER white meat.
I arrived fifteen minutes before my scheduled time, which, as it turns out, was everyone’s scheduled time, and had a seat on one of the wooden pews that made up the completely-accurate-in-my-mind courtroom (thanks, television!). There were only ten other people there (plus lawyers. oh, god, people brought LAWYERS? FUCK!) and things got started pretty quickly.
Three police officers sat in the front row and I recognized the man who had cordially invited me to the day’s proceedings by his unmistakable 1980’s-style porn ’stache. This guys was TOTALLY Poncherello, minus the Latino right to be macho with no questions asked. I, being all sweetness and light, thought I was in traffic court, but it turned out it was COURT court, too, so I was gobsmacked when one of the first guests at the party was brought in sporting fancy, government-issued jewelry. Wha? Criminals! After Mr. GuiltyOfTrespassingAndRecklessDrivingWhileEscaping was shown the door, a few other traffic offenders were processed. Then, a woman was called in from outside the courtroom, sobbing and wailing and generally acting a mess.
She was average height, but thin. Thinner than she should have been for her build. Her lawyer, the same police officer who had pulled me over, a commonwealth attorney, and the judge spoke fairly quietly to each other as she stood and sobbed. When they started questioning her, though, her head must have been stuffed up from crying, because she spoke loudly. I found out through the magic of her terrible stage whisper that she was 30, though she looked 20, and was a stay at home mom of three. I also found out that she was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store just walking distance from my house, and Richmond Ponch had seen the whole thing while grabbing lunch. Furthermore, she brought a note from a shrink saying that she had recently been put on an anti-anxiety medication and one of the potential side effects was a change in personality. The note said that shoplifting, and impulse control in general, was not out of the question, as far as side effects were concerned.
The judge didn’t buy it. He pointed out that it wasn’t her first offense. In fact, it was her fourth (though a couple of them were as a teen) and said that, at some point, excuses weren’t enough and she had to pay. She broke down and stood, bawling, as they handcuffed her. I really felt for her and then panicked. This mean judge was going to throw the book at me!
I finally had my turn and it was as simple as the judge asking me what I plead (guilty, by the way, I had watched enough people precede me to figure out that much), acknowledging that I had a spotless driving record, and offering for me to attend traffic school to keep it that way. I had tears at the ready, but they weren’t necessary and I was glad I didn’t have to resort to girlie shenanigans.
As I left, the bailiff handed me some paperwork that explained how to go about signing up for a class, then sending in the certificate of completion. He leaned close to me and whispered that the classes could be taken online and the whole process was faster and easier. With a grin on my face I whispered back, “Oh, no, I wouldn’t want to miss the experience of traffic school!” I’m sure he thought I was being sarcastic. You all know, of course, that nothing could be further from the truth. ADVENTURE!
17 Comments
October 29th, 2009 at 5:16 am
Wait until you get called for jury duty. That’s always a barrel of larfs.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Believe it or not — you’re lucky. My son got pulled for his first traffic offense in Goochland — where the judge WILL NOT give traffic school, ever. So, for a 60 in a 45 speeding ticket, it’s going to cost him 136.00 plus points on his record. Don’t speed in Goochland, you don’t even get the common courtesy every other local court gives you of traffic school for your first offense. I’m a lawyer and was fully prepared to go to court with him and plead for the mercy of traffic school, until I learned it would be a complete waste of time. Nothing like consistency in the justice system!
October 29th, 2009 at 7:24 am
gotta love court.. sounds just like my first time there when i got a ticket. brings back the memories.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Love this story. I’ve had somewhere in the neighborhood of 49 speeding tickets (not really, but a lot) in my 15 years of driving. Never once attended driving school because, quite frankly, I’ve got better things to do. I’m made of money anyway.
I read Dave Egger’s book a few years back… I liked it. I remember it had something to do his brother that he had to help raise and something about Puck from the Real World San Francisco.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:26 am
LOL. You’re reminding me of my hubby’s experience with riding a skateboard scooter (it had a weedeater engine) to classes in college, getting pulled over & the Kampus Kop demanding his registration for the vehicle. The Kop wrote him tickets for about 5 things.
The judge looked at his paper in court and said (in his deep southern drawl) “wayulll, son. Yurrr just a one-man crime wave.” When hubby tried to explain what he’d been riding on, the whole court broke up in laughter. The judge insisted that he go get it & bring it back. He ended up having his secretary make him a little “bumper sticker” and said, “if this officer pulls you over again, you tell him Judge XXYY considers this veehickle registered.” He dismissed everything & was still laughing when hubby left.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Ugh, you went to court without an attorney?? Shame on you lady!
BTW, that Dave Eggers book is one of my all-time faves!
October 29th, 2009 at 9:22 am
I went to traffic school at the tender young age of 16. From what I recall the experience was boring, all day and on a Saturday. I would totally go again. I was too young to appreciate it back then.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:44 am
The photo of Ponch just cracked me up (as did the rest of the post). Back in my LA days, I was running on a gym treadmill when on the treadmill next to me appears Ponch. Nice shoulders, killer arms, and the scrawniest legs I have ever seen. No wonder they always had him in pants/riding boots, and mostly filmed him from waist up.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Your grandma’s white meat… gross.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Do this mean we’ll be seeing posts about traffic school? …cool!!!
I sure wish I was a better writer. I’m sure if I remembered any, I would have some good stories about DUI school.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:37 am
I keep getting called for Jury Duty but never have to go, though I really do want to do it.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Take that, Porno Ponch! It’s off to school you go – much better than the alternative
October 29th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I’ve been to traffic school twice (yes, twice) and it was *awesome* each time. During one of my stints in traffic school I met a model with the longest toe nails ever. Like ever, for serious. Think inch long fake, acrylic fingernails, but on your toes. She had landed in traffic school because she had failed to stop at a stop sign. Apparently the long toe nails I had been checking out were the reason for her traffic infraction. She had booked a photo shoot that required her to have long toe nails (what kind of photo shoot would require this? I didn’t ask, she didn’t say). The day she was stopped by Hampton’s finest she was on her way home from the nail salon. She said she tried to explain her situation to the police officer but he was not sympathetic to her plight and gave her a ticket (shocking!). I have no doubt that she was actually a model because she only drank water at lunchtime and then copied my answers when test time rolled around.
October 29th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
The one time I went to court for speeding, I remember this German guy tried to convince the judge that he was going over 100 mph because he forgot he was in an American car and thought it was kilometers per hour. The judge drolly commented that he should have realized his mistake when he blew past everyone else on the highway.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Tried… a lot, but couldn’t finish the Eggers book.Tell me its worth finishing…. and I’ll loan you his novel. Did some time at driving school last year, the videos were worth the price of admission. The best part of court was the guy that was there for a failure to stop infraction , but later killed his girlfriend because she got pissed that he wrecked her car. I will avoid traffic court at any cost in the future.
November 9th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Take it online. Trust me, you don’t want to wast that much time.
January 25th, 2010 at 7:22 am
[...] Learnin’: As you may or may not remember, it was suggested to me, by a mean ol’ Judge, that I attend a driver’s education [...]
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