Dear Coworker: I’m sorry that I forgot to lock the bathroom door and you were forced to behold me in all my pooping glory. I’m doublesorry that you are a lesbian and my chubbymuffin will haunt you forever. In my defense, I had sushi for lunch. Sheepishly, TCG Dear Customers: There is nothing that chafes [...]

Dear Customer, Look, we all do it. Everybody takes things that don’t belong to them. Who doesn’t have a cache of pilfered pens and paper clips at home, courtesy of their office? T-shirts and cd’s, courtesy of their ex? A tummy full of grapes, courtesy of their local grocery store? It’s totally natural, like a [...]

Dear Customer, No, you’re right, aisle four is the *perfect* place to have a cell phone convo wherein you discuss your birth control methods in detail. For making me picture your fat ass humping, you should pay reparations to my soul. Limply, TCG Dear New Coworker, The girl you are replacing is a drug addict [...]

Dear Customer, I’d LOVE to take the sample spoon that you just had your mouth on. Please DO place it right in my bare hand. Now, will you please tell me where I can get vaccinated against Idiot Flu? Thanks a mil. Virally, TCG Dear Customer, Even though I had my arms full of flowers, [...]

Dear Customer in the Tiny Jogging Shorts, Now that I’ve seen your testicles, where do we go from here? Curiously, TCG Dear Coworker, Your current intense manic state is, dare I say it, at least three times as annoying as your dramatic, depressed state. What do I have to do to convince you to lay [...]