One of the biggest complaints I have about my job is how physically demanding it is. Playing with flowers is all well and good but processing them involves lifting several hundred pounds, three times a week. After putting them on a cart and hauling them to my department, they must be chopped and put into [...]

From time to time I’ll kick around the idea of leaving behind the glamorous world of the modern supermarket to live the carefree life of someone who works for tips. Why on earth would I do something like that, you ask? Well, I already spend my days being nice to assholes, and my wage isn’t [...]

I have this unique ability to look at certain people and perfectly envision what they will look like when they are older. It’s like That’s So Raven, without the weird face or nightmares of being step-parented by Lisa Bonet. Anyway, I saw a girl in the store the other day who couldn’t have been more [...]

My coworker who loves Jesus, white people, and being not smart couldn’t figure out how our Assistant Manager’s wife is pregnant with his third child, but her first. “Is this a riddle?” she asked, completely befuddled. Yes. The riddle is how you make more money than I do.

Dear Internet: I am addicted to stimulants. There, I said it. I can’t get through my day without the help of coffee, tea, Excedrin, and Red Bull. And, when I say “can’t”, I mean literally CAN’T because if I don’t partake I first get a searing migraine, then fall into a deep, coma-like sleep. Since [...]