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10,716.

That is the number of spam comments I’ve received on this blog, thus far. 10,716. That’s not a crazy amount, right? I mean it’s pretty much the number of kids that Nadya Suleman and Kate Gosselin have between them. Or maybe the number of vaginas. I forget. Anyway, for some reason, about 95% of the comments that end up in my “Spam” folder are in Russian. What is it about me that attracts those we were encouraged to be so frightened of in the 1980’s (seriously, remember this? I STILL have nightmares!)? Is it my sexy fur hat? Is it my Vilena-style (probably NSFW) photos? And how do I know that those funny letters are not spelling out how much the entire population of the former Soviet Union loves me and maybe that they want to give me a million Russian monies to be their Bond Girl-style spokesmodel? I could be missing out on 10,716 golden opportunities!

Well, I’m not about to turn down 10,716 anythings, so I decided to run Google Translate on some of the comments in question. It turned this…

Мне кажется идея в этой статье раскрыта не до конца. Автор, может что-то добавишь к этому ?

into this…

I think the idea in this article are not disclosed until the end. The author can add something to this?

Seems kind of legit. The commenter is asking about the “idea” that “are not disclosed”. Hmm… thinky. Can any of us *ever* know the idea that are not disclosed? But the he/she DID call me an “author” so I’m gonna declare it a victory. Still, no talk of money. Or rubles. Or whatever.

Then I translated this…

Ты как обычно радуешь нас своими лучшими фразами спасибо, беру!

into this…

You normally happy about us with the best phrases thanks, take!

Man, is this confusing or what? Seriously, try reading it aloud. Did your head explode? I hope not, because I like you, but damn these words no make sense. And STILL no money!

I’m sure by now we’ve all drawn the same conclusion: Russians are shy. They love me, but that can’t just come right out and say it, so they string words together, nonsensically, and hope I am reading between the lines. Oh, I am. And even though you totally beat us in the space race (remember, you guys? remember when we cared about space?), you also gave us Tolstoy and that dirty little Nabokov, so I think we can work something out, Russia. Now send rubles. Ya tebya lyublyu.