In the movies, there are a few formulas that seem to guarantee catastrophe: arrogant teens partying at a remote lake house, a cop close to retirement taking one last case, a man going off to war with unresolved issues at home, any Disney princess falling in love. We know these things going in, and can brace ourselves and expect the worst for the characters onscreen. But what about real-life? No one writes the script, and there are no certainties, but I think we all know there are factors that greatly increase the chances of a situation having a disastrous outcome. For instance, a wedding or office party with an open bar, exiting a sports car in a mini-skirt, telling your boss what you “really think”, or letting Christian Bale out of the house. One of the surest ways of courting calamity (future pun intended), I’ve come to find, is dating a coworker.

It’s like the conclusion of a bad biology experiment: keep human beings in close quarters for many hours on end and they are bound to mate or fight. Unfortunately, many times it is the former, first, and then the latter. We currently have a few ex-couples working in our store and it’s terribly uncomfortable to be nearby when they meet in the aisle or office. Remember that scene in Total Recall where Arnold Schwarzenegger realizes that Sharon Stone is in on the cover-up of the red planet and some awesome ass-kicking ensues? I live in fear, and perhaps a bit of hope, that something like that could go down at any moment. Of course, ideally, things that happen outside of work should stay there. But we’re all human, and can’t just turn off our seething hatred for someone simply because we are on the clock.

Even The Checkout Girl has fallen prey to the “I am already spending a good portion of my time with him, we might as well call it a relationship” trap. Guess what? When I punch out, I don’t really feel like spending time in a grocery store (you should see my cupboards, Old Mother Hubbard’s got nothin’ on me), arranging flowers, or hanging out with someone I just saw for eight or nine hours. Fortunately, it didn’t take me very long to figure that out. In fact, it took longer to explain it to him than it did for it to dawn on me. I will say, though, that until he left to take a job in another town, it was slightly weird working with him. He still stops in from time to time to visit his old work buddies and it is uncomfortable and awkward. You know, like seeing Victoria Beckham smile or that girl in Little Miss Sunshine do the stripper dance that her grandpa taught her.

I know you are saying to yourself, “But, it worked so well for Brangelina and Bennifer and it looks awfully good on Jim and Pam!” But, as sure as ships should avoid icebergs and snakes should not be transported on planes, you should avoid dating a coworker as fiercely as you would a ride home from the club with Lindsay Lohan or diction lessons from Ozzy Osbourne. Misfortune is sure to follow.