This coming week is going to be a busy one for The Checkout Girl. I will be spending it in the flower department, holding boys’ hands and assuring them that yellow roses mean friendship and they are not prematurely declaring undying love for their valentine. I didn’t fully grasp the gravity of this responsibility until I joked with a guy a few months ago, “What pretty roses! I just wanna make sure you know that peach means, ‘Will you marry me?’” The look on his face was one of fright and confusion, so I let him off the hook really quickly. It was then that I came to realize that a lot of men were totally clueless and needed reassurance and guidance when it came to expressive flora. Luckily, I really enjoy that part of my job, and am a big fan of love, in general.

The worst part of it, though, is being polite to the untrue. More often than you would guess, a man will come in and share with me that he needs something special because he has cheated on his significant other. Really? How is it appropriate to share this with yet *another* woman? Oh, and the solution is picking up flowers for her at the grocery store? Hey, jerk, Kobe Bryant’s wife got an 8-carat purple diamond ring worth about $4 million. You want to be forgiven for just ten bucks and what, I can only assume from the way you are ogling *my* tater tots, is going to be a totally bogus vow to never, EVER do it again? Oh, sure, I’d love to wrap up a big ol’ bouquet and help you get your foot back in the door.

By the way, the blue hydrangea is the traditional flower of “Baby, I’ve changed. Please take me back.” It also represents the color I hope certain body parts of yours turn before she does.

Go love.