Friday, May 15th, 2009...8:35 pm
Love Is The Drug
I tweeted about this earlier today, but the situation was so absurd that I just had to explain about “anxiety girl”.
She was dumped by her boyfriend a week ago, today. They lived together and he asked her to move out, expressing his need for “space”. Is there still a woman left on earth who doesn’t know that “space” is manspeak for “someone else’s muffin”? Anyway, she was sad. It was when she went back to their house the next day to pick up some of her stuff and ran into a girl coming out as she was going in, that she went from sad to devastated.
I get all of that, I really do. Believe me when I say that NO ONE gets it more than I do. However, she has spent every day for a week crying. She works food prep and she cries when she chops veggies, cries when she peels fruit, cries when she makes sandwiches, cries when she preps pizzas. She never. stops. crying. You can’t walk by her without being treated to the dramz.
Yesterday, I found her sitting in the employee break room, crying. And wheezing.
her: “can’t…breathe…think…I’m…having…a…heart…attack.”
me: “No, you are having anxiety attack. It’s not fatal. Calm down.”
her: “ICAN’TCALMDOWNIJUSTSNORTEDANADDERALL!!!”
me: “I gotta go.”
Today, I went back to grab something from prep and she was lying on her back on the floor of the cooler, breathing into a paper bag.
her: “This time I’m REALLY dying! Seriously!”
me, barely listening: “Again? Should I call an ambulance?”
her: “No. Do you have any Xanax?”
My life is like one long episode of Punk’d.
7 Comments
Twitter: homesliceva
May 15th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
how do these people keep their jobs???? seriously, i want to go apply where you work! it’s so funny, but so sad!
May 16th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
It is so sad – have pity for the poor girl (especially since some people take break-offs harder than others).
For me – it’s somewhere around 6 months to 2 years to get over somebody (I’m in the 7th month ATM – so I’m not crying anymore – that usually stops after the 2nd month – right after you start hatching the plan to destruct what I call the 3rd wheel – watching plenty of forensic files helps)
May 18th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Woooowwwww. I haven’t had that kind of drama in my love life since 8th grade. I mean, seriously, because you only get that kind of drama when you have made the other person THE WHOLE MEANING OF YOUR VERY EXISTENCE, and if you have done that, then NO WONDER they are running for the hills.
May 18th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
we think alike. what I said to her was, “If you make someone your everything, there is a chance you will wind up with nothing.”
those gems are why I am getting paid the big bucks to write an advice column.
May 18th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
First of all, who told you our secret code for “someone else’s muffin” is “space”? Who? Because they are clearly kicked out of the club.
Second, I had a pizza a couple days ago that tasted like the tears of a heartbroken, pill-snorting, psychopath. What are the odds that I was actually in your store and bought one of those pizzas?! And you didn’t even come over to say hi. You were probably too busy helping the crazy lady crush up her Xanax.
June 2nd, 2009 at 12:02 am
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