Recently, The Bloggess posted this, which linked back to this, which reminded me of the time I posted this. And then I missed my tomato.

I could really use him this week. See you on the other side, little guy.

Just peeing in your coffee and discussing your small penis, NBDubs.

A man came in today to buy something for Administrative Professional’s Day, which I’m pretty sure was yesterday. He was a typical middle aged man in a button-up and slacks. He huffed as he talked, effectively conveying his annoyance with the fact that I was not adept at reading his mind.

He explained that he wanted to spend $20 – $25 and I asked if he was looking for flowers or a basket or a gift or WHAT because he really hadn’t been clear.

*huffhuff* “Flowers, of course!”

I then asked if he wanted to choose the flowers or if he needed me to do it.

*huffhuff* “I want you to do it. You are supposed to be the expert!”

I repeated the $20 – $25 price range, just to be sure. I asked if he wanted the flowers in a vase and if he just needed just one of the arrangement. You know, because some people have multiple Administrative Professionals in their office.

*huffhuff* “I have FOUR secretaries (oh, so NOW we are getting real) and need ONE arrangement. They can leave it in the office and share it.”

It took everything I had not to tell him how much his Administrative Professionals hated him and I was sure that they were either peeing in or poisoning his coffee. I know because a) I was once someone’s secretary and b) I have eyes. I would pee in this guy’s coffee every single day.

I was mad for those four ladies. I was mad for all Administrative Professionals who have bosses like him. I was mad for me because I currently hate my job more than anything. I lied and told him that there were other orders ahead of his and that he could come back in thirty minutes.

He pointed at his expensive watch.

*huffhuff* “Thirty minutes? It’s 1:40. Thirty minutes is 2:10.”

“I’m aware.”

*huffhuff* “I’ll be back at exactly 2:10.”

I threw the arrangement together (it wasn’t fancy for twenty bones) and RAN to lunch so that I didn’t have to deal with him again. I clocked out and, as I was walking out the door, saw him come back in. I ducked and he found someone else to help him. They went to the cooler and grabbed the half-ass arrangement.

I looked at my cell phone. It was 1:48.

*huffhuff*

I’ve gotten to the point where, if someone asks the price of something that is clearly marked, I will pretend I don’t know either, come around next to them, feign finding the sign, and say “Oh! Looks like it’s $6.99!”

I know it’s kind of dickish but, honestly, I’m just trying to teach them to think for themselves. And not to annoy me.

In the interest of unkarmafucking myself for my mind trickery, I present to you blogs I am currently not hating.

Tremendous News
Funny. Sweary. Super smart. Kind of Assholeish (which I say with reverence). Everyone can find something to offend them here. In a good way. Which makes this site a favorite.

Avery Edison’s Internet Website
She’s got a sidesplitting (always touted as a good thing, though it sounds quite painful) twitter persona and her vlog is smart and funny. Plus, her accent will charm your socks off. She sounds like a cheekier Lady Di, what more do you want?

HOLLYWOOD: Where Hot Comes To Die
Suzy Soro is a standup comic and actor. You’ve probably seen her on Seinfeld and Curb. I know I have. Being a So Cal girl, I was initially drawn to the inside Hollywood poop but it turns out that I really like the person behind the poop (sorry, Suzy) and this is now consistently one of my favorite sites to visit.

Jenny Talia
So much awesome from Down Under, Jenny is a bona fide comic celeb who now lives in the US but is touring her homeland of Australia. Certified a Big Fucking Deal, she sent me some cd’s to pick my spirits up and I realized she is a genius. She is blogging her crazy life and I love visiting the site to keep up with her and pretend I am a Big Fucking Deal, too.

Mayo Pie
As if the name of this blog weren’t enough to make you love him, I met MP through The Bloggess and she don’t pimp no junk. Funny, with little peeks of a bigbig heart showing through, I am thrilled to have found writing that makes me giggle and nod so vigorously that I am in danger of whiplash.

Skull Swap
Julia Segal (comedian/writer) has a tumblr that is everything worth looking at on the internet in one neat little package. She has the best friends with the best tumblrs and, if there’s something stupid/funny/cute/smart happening, she is gonna reblog it. Feel like you don’t know what’s cool? Read this and be in on the joke.

Okay, that should be enough to get me off of the universe’s shit list for a few days, at least. I am always looking to let more things sit unread in my google reader so shout your favorite, not-to-be-missed site in the comments.

www.toothpastefordinner.com

A coworker of mine, with whom I’m fairly close, is in some legal trouble. In fact, a lot of legal trouble. Like killing somebody legal trouble. As with most things in life, it’s complicated. As with most things in the store, the jibbah-jabbahs that I work with are all over it.

I was in the ladies room today, minding my own business (hint: poop), when I heard Jesus Fish talking to someone, right outside the door.

“I just hope he finds god while he’s in prison. That way, whatever happens, he’s forgiven.”

I was livid. She is famous for never giving the coworker the time of day. He’s the wrong color. The wrong income bracket. The wrong everything. Thankfully, his soul seemed to be right. You know, for saving.

I stayed in the restroom, close to tears. “How dare she?” I thought, but she dare. It’s just how she is. Thankfully, another coworker was close by. One who doesn’t make me Madame McStabby. I unloaded.

“She said she hopes he finds god in prison!”

“Is that where he’s hiding?”

“Yes, but it’s confusing because they all wear stripes. Like the world’s hardest game of ‘Where’s Waldo?’”

Much better.

Celeb infidelity is bumming me out. Instead of dwelling, I found some couples that will make you say “Hey, love sucks just slightly less than I had originally thought!” Public service is hard but totally worth it.

Off The Clock