I’ve been mulling over the fact that The French Me is having her book turned into a musical. A MUSICAL? But *I* love musicals! Can you think of anything more perfect than a Broadway-style show set in a grocery store and based on the adventures of The Checkout Girl? Probably yes, but I still think it would be brillz.

*Begin Dream Sequence*

In the first act, we meet the ingenue. She’s new in town, wide-eyed, and enthusiastic. She approaches her new employ with a gosh dern you betcha Sarah Palin-esque vocab and an overabundance of benefit of the doubt, doled out to each and every person she comes in contact with. The plug which holds in such things is quickly pulled and she’s soon spending each day standing next to a pool of positivity which, not surprisingly, smells like cotton candy and a child’s urine.
::Musical Number: I Have Confidence from The Sound of Music::

In act two, our heroine gets wise. There are comedic moments with sound effects from the orchestra (wood block?) to dramatize purposeful blinking, suspenseful music and the use of a harness and wires as she we learn that exhaustion and daydreaming lead to clumsiness, and a restroom scene shows a man on a chair, sitting just outside the door. Someone orders nineteen thousand roses, and there is a tuba wah-wah as the actors convey, through facial expression, that they’ve discovered a strange smell emanating from the attic.
::Musical Number: No Good Deed from Wicked::

**intermission**

In act three, the magic happens. It’s all smoke and mirrors (and a good excuse for a costume change), but TCG becomes invisible as we sneak a peek into customer behavior. There are cell phones, and ugly fabric purses. There are raised voices, and tennis skirts. There are ridiculous phone calls, and unskilled shoplifters. There are children, both devout and naughty. We begin to wonder if she’ll ever regain her faith in mankind and why, exactly, they cast Jessica Simpson to play a short, chunky, dark-haired former optimist. But, it works. Somehow, it works.
::Musical Number: Superboy and the Invisible Girl from Next to Normal

In the final act, the dénouement if you will, we come somewhat full-circle. She’s been called “salty” and she’s been called “fat“. She’s lost coworkers and supervisors. She’s eaten expensive cheeses, and plenty of crow. She’s two years older and two centuries wiser. And she’s still kicking. Room for a sequel? But of course. After all, life’s a journey, not a destination. Take time to smell the roses. Just don’t squeeze them.
::Musical Number: And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going from Dreamgirls::