…and I feel fine.

The Checkout Girl’s Three Simple Rules Of Supermarket Etiquette, Storm Edition

1. TAKE IT DOWN A THOUSAND. Seriously, if you panicked like a little sucky baby at the first whisper of the “s” word and ran to the store to stock up on expensive meats and cakes, why would you assume that everyone wouldn’t do the same? Why be angry and all shitty to your cashier because you had to wait in line with other sucky babies? Chill, get comfy, take a minute to chat with other boring people about “accumulation” and what a crapass job the government does at plowing the streets, and, for damn hell sake, be nice.

2. HIRE A BABYSITTER. Look, I know your kids have a snow day. MY kids have a snow day. But do you see how I’m here at the store without them? Yeah. I know, I know, who likes their own kids enough to be trapped inside with them? Please try it. When I spend half of my day cleaning up spills, child vomit (oh, yes. yes they do.), and coffee (what? you don’t give your wee ones coffee just to shut them up? well how sads for you because there are plenty of people who do and they spill that shit all over the floor when they remember that they don’t really like coffee but wanted it because they THOUGHT it was forbidden.), and the noise level in the store is equal to or greater than Chuck E. Cheese on a Saturday afternoon, THERE IS A PROBLEM. Oh, and you’re not imagining it, the other customers ARE cutting their eyes at you.

3. STAY HOME. Once the storm begins, close the windows, bolt the doors, light a fire, flip on old epis of My So-Called Life (Jordan Catalano! eep!!), do whatever you have to do, but don’t leave the goddamn house! Last Saturday, I made it to work just as it started snowing. Hard. As the storm progressed to “blizzard” status, I continually asked my boss if we were going to close so that we could all get home safely. Unfortunately, based on sales, we had to stay open. People were still pouring in, several stating to me that they just “had to get out of the house”. True, it had only been a day or two since the last snow and YES WE ALL HAVE CABIN FEVER but the longer you wander around my store because you don’t want to be at home, the longer I have to be there. I saw a young couple LITERALLY slide into the parking lot and get out, carrying a newborn baby in a snowsuit. Oh, hey, guess what? One of you could have stayed home with the baby so that you didn’t take out the whole family in one jackass move. In the end, we remained open too long and I was stuck and had to wait to be rescued. And I HATE to be rescued. If it’s snowing, stay home and eat canned goods and old Kraft Dinner, okay?

Consider this a Public Service Announcement. These rules are hard and fast and the punishment for violating them is a big fat punch in the wiener so be smart.